I can’t believe I haven’t written in almost 2 weeks. Two weeks without writing…no wonder things feel chaotic. And it’s been almost twice as long since I’ve written a poem or anything remotely creative and spiritual. I take care of myself really well…except when it comes to writing. I’m no good at writing self-care and carving out time to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. So it’s no wonder I was in bed Friday (my day off because I serve 4, ten-hour days) kinda wiped out, with the sniffles, feeling immensely grateful for my 3-day weekends.

This week has been a busy one. With three people out for various trainings and appointments, I was called up to serve in the preschool for two days. I love preschool! There is so much singing and dancing and honestly, kids are so much more truthful and direct than adults. They call you for being a hypocrite without delay; they keep you honest. It was a fun two days but also a really meaningful reminder: model the behavior you want to see. Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk! I love seeing psychological principles played out in real life, too. (Warning: Nerd moment ahead.) On Tuesday, I got to play with a little boy before preschool started, and his play area of choice was…the kitchen and doll area! Make believe play is a gift to watch. This boy, who I’ll call “B”, was very detailed in his restaurant. He’d have to check if he had spaghetti, but he was sure he could pack up some milk to bring home to my family. He loved cooking for me (what a gentleman!). The gender studies part of me was really interested in how he determined the blue doll must be a boy and the pink must be a girl, but that he also had no shame in wanting to play with the dolls or give it a bottle. God willing, he won’t be discouraged from such play as he continues to grow. I didn’t have to work full pre-school days. I got to leave after nap (yes, I did take the opportunity to rest quietly on the mats, alongside the kids. Very much appreciated time).

From there it was time to prepare for SPARK. Tuesday and Thursday I was pretty much on my own, since the SPARK teacher was at a training. The Tuesday group of Sparklers (9-12) is probably my favorite. They have a lotttttt of energy, and we had to make them sit quietly in the room before playtime because of some name-calling, but all in all, I like them. They are funny…and you see that they are still little kids at heart on the verge of “growing up.” I seriously just want to hug them all. Interestingly enough, or probably not, especially to people who have kids of their own, going from preschool age to preteens and teens is…not as big a leap as you might think. All in all, both preschoolers and middle/high schoolers are probably equal doses of trouble, cuteness, spunk, and sass. The biggest difference was, as my coworker A said when she helped me with SPARK one night, “You can sass these kids right back!” (She works at the preschool, and it’s hard to be sarcastic or witty to a 4 year-old.) Yes, yes you can. But just because you can be funny or sassy back, doesn’t mean you are in control. And same goes for preschool. Just ’cause you get a kid to eat his vegetables or lie still on a mat doesn’t mean you are in control. Oh no. Serving with kids is a great reminder that you are only in control of one thing: how you respond. And that response is what matters. Kids are spontaneous and full of surprises, and they know how to keep you on your toes. You can’t make a 12 year-old NOT name-call, or NOT make fart jokes, but you can respond in a way that says, “This is what is/isn’t acceptable.” You can’t make a 14 year-old listen to your advice or make a shy kid play dodgeball, but you can respond in way that says, “Hey that’s okay, I appreciate and like you for who you are.” You can respond to make all kids feel heard or valued, in some small way. I am not in control of kids and their behavior, but I am in control of me, and that comes with the call and the challenge to love as Christ loved, to find Christ in all of these kids.

I am continually re-evaluating what my role here is, what my call from God is, what vocation and service really mean. So far it means giving up control, and I’m finding that’s kind of nice, because honestly, these kids are resourceful, resilient, and funny in ways I never was. They deal with more than I have and maybe ever will have to. They value family and friends in a way that I wish more people did. When I’m less worried with how I’m in control and how I’m giving, I’m better able to respond, to receive, to be open to the love of God that comes through things like fart jokes, the funky chicken dance, and volleyball games. How can we serve others, love others, give to others, if we ourselves are not open to being served, to being loved, to receiving gifts? St. Francis said it’s in giving we receive, and yeah, I agree. But it goes both ways. When we give up our notion of what it means to give, to serve, to love (often intertwined with our desire to control and to be doing), we receive so much more from God that can then be offered freely and easily to others, without needing to control or delegate, order and organize. When I stand in a room full of screaming children, and ask myself, “Who’s in charge here?” I’m learning that answer only ever truly is GOD.

Kate B. is a long-term volunteer in CAP's SPARK (Scholastic Preparation, Arts, and Recreation For Kids) after-school program, a component of Child and Family Development. She is a member of the McCreary Volunteer Community.